Personal Demons
by Bamie02
Summary: Post Spoils of War. The team is on their way home when Kensi overhears exactly who saved her, and how.
1. Chapter 1

_Jumping on the Spoils of War bandwagon here. This is for justareader07, who asked for Kensi finding out that Deeks saved them all, and how._

_Bookdiva was amazing as always and looked it over for me, then told me I had to continue it._

* * *

Deeks watched as Kensi slept. Back at the base, there hadn't been a lot of time to talk, just to get their stuff packed up and meet at the plane to head home. As soon as the plane was airborne, Kensi's head leaned on his shoulder and she was out. Deeks had eased the safety belt off so he could lay her head in his lap, knowing that would be more comfortable for both of them. He threaded his fingers through her hair, letting the relief he felt finally wash over him. As soon as his fingers had made the first run through, she had let out a contented sounding sigh, and he smiled for the first time in days. He laid his head back, looking out the window as he continued the calming technique and tried to block his mind of the last forty-eight hours. And it worked for about an hour, until Sam and Callen brought him out of his thoughts of sunny beaches, surfboards and smiling mismatched eyes.

"How's she doing?" Callen had a few things he wanted to say to Deeks, and he figured this was a good place to start.

"She fell asleep shortly after takeoff. Figured this was more comfortable than getting a crick in her neck from having it on my shoulder." Deeks shrugged his shoulders a little, not wanting to make any sudden movements that would wake her up.

"Deeks, I just wanted to say, before we land and things get hectic, thank you for today. Your timing, as close as it was, saved us. All of us." At the last sentence, Callen flicked his eyes to the sleeping woman in his lap. He knew that if Deeks hadn't shown up when he did, the way he did, no one would have walked away alive.

Deeks just nodded his head at them, and Sam saw the same haunted look cross his face that was there after Sidirov.

"What happened Deeks?" Sam kept his eyes on him, watching the different emotions in his eyes.

Deeks maintained eye contact before looking down at Kensi, his hands never stopping their movements. He couldn't forgive himself for what he had done – what he had wanted to do – but he also knew he would do it all over again if it meant saving her.

"I left a piece of my soul there, Sam."

* * *

Kensi slowly came out of her slumber to hushed voices. Instead of the rush of panic she thought she would have, she felt her partner's fingers running through her hair and she knew she was okay. She kept her breathing even as she listened to the hushed voices, not wanting to answer any questions right now, knowing she wasn't ready for that.

When she heard Callen thank Deeks from rescuing them, she realized she had no idea what had happened. She was aware of them being there for the exchange, but she had never asked what exactly had happened.

And another part of her died when she heard Deeks say he left a part of his soul there.

_What have I done?_ was all she could think at that moment. Because she knew, whatever had happened had been for her, for finding and saving her.

She lay still, waiting for to hear the next part.

"What happened?" She heard Sam ask him again and felt him sigh in response.

"I talked to Hetty. She uh – Jesus Sam I thought she was dead. I made them send me the picture, to verify it. And it was so _real_. I tried to tell myself that I had morals, that I wouldn't do to someone what had been done to me. But after I heard that, after the picture, I stopped caring. The translator, he told me that what I was about to do wouldn't work, he wouldn't talk, but I didn't care. I wanted to bring pain and suffering to someone who had brought _her_ pain and suffering, no matter how indirectly."

She felt his hands stop their movements and involuntarily moved her head a little, seeking out his touch again. She could feel his eyes on her, checking for any sign that she was awake and listening, but she had enough experience to not move another muscle, to keep her breathing even. He must have been satisfied because she felt his hands start going through her hair again, and she couldn't stop the sigh that came out.

"Water-boarding Sam. That's what I did." Kensi could feel the tears in her closed eyes, doing everything she could to hold them back, but that had been damn near impossible since her rescue. But she had to hear the rest of it. She rolled over, acting like she was trying to find a more comfortable position but in reality she was trying to hide her face more from him, because she knew she wouldn't be able to stop the tears. Deeks waited a few more minutes, no doubt wanting to make sure she was still asleep. Finally, she heard Sam again.

"Deeks –"

"No, I need to tell you. I filled up a bucket full of water, walked over to a blind man and put a rag over his face before pouring the water over it. All I could yell was 'give me a name.' But he wouldn't. And before I could even finish out the bucket, I realized what I was doing. What I had become. I dropped the bucket, yanked the rag off and lost it."

"Deeks, you are a good man. War… it does things to you. What you did, you did for her. To find her, even though you thought she was dead. Do not let your actions over there rule who you really are."

Deeks's eyes filled with unshed tears for a minute. He took a deep breath.

"Who am I, Sam? Because I tortured a man. _Tortured_. How am I supposed to live with that?"

"You talk to someone, Deeks. Because I am pretty sure that you never really talked to anyone after Sidirov. And between that, and now this, you need to get it out. It will eat you alive otherwise."

Kensi buried her head deeper into his leg, trying to stop the tears now but it was futile. She was thankful when Deeks didn't stop this time because she knew soon she wouldn't be able to fake it anymore.

"Deeks, if the cleric didn't talk, how did you know who he was?" Callen still had some missing puzzle pieces he was trying to find.

"The translator, actually. He and I were talking about what the cleric had already said, and how it could be interpreted another way. We realized that he was hiding his son. And if his son was powerful enough to send couriers, he was powerful enough to want to do a prisoner exchange. We just got lucky that those boys you sent back for reinforcements hadn't left yet, so we had a good idea where you were."

Kensi's whole body shook as the full impact of what Deeks had done to save her hit her. She couldn't stop the tears anymore and she felt Deeks start shaking her a little, trying to bring her back.

"Kensi… hey Kens, you need to wake up now, okay? It's okay, I'm right here." All she could do was squeeze her eyes shut and shake her head.

"Kensi please. Please wake up. I'm here, you're okay now. I'm not going to let anyone else hurt you." She heard him repeat it again before she finally opened her eyes, looking at him and he brought his hands to her face, wiping the tears away.

"Shhhh, Kens. It's going to be okay." She just nodded at him before rolling back, her face turned away from everyone. She felt his strong, capable hands start running through her hair again and instead of thinking of them torturing someone, she thought about the way the expertly held a gun, the way they looked grasping a steering wheel, and how they moved on their own accord when putting wax on his surfboard. She fell back asleep thinking about Deeks, carefree on a surfboard instead of losing part of his soul in a desert.

* * *

The rest of the plane ride was pretty uneventful. Kensi had woken a few more times, the last time realizing Deeks had stopped his movements. She glanced up at him, his eyes closed. She lifted her head off his lap and very gently brought his head down to hers. And just like he had done for her, she ran her fingers though his hair. She was a little surprised he hadn't woken up at the exchange, but then remembered he hadn't slept in days either. And she knew it was the right move because as soon as her hands made contact, he sighed and his face relaxed a little more.

Two hours later, the plane finally landed on US soil and both of them were jarred awake when the wheels made contact. Deeks sat up immediately, not understanding how the positions had been reversed. He looked over at Kensi, the question in his eyes.

"You were sleeping, I woke up. I figured my lap was a little more comfortable then the window." She gave him a small smile and he returned it.

"Thanks." As soon as the doors opened, he grabbed both of their stuff and followed her out. He had driven her car to the air field when they left and he guided her over to it. He was throwing their stuff inside when Sam and Callen walked up.

"Hey, don't worry about showing up for a few days. Hetty gave us the rest of the week off. See you on Monday." He looked at Deeks, silently asking if he was okay with Kensi right now. He knew they both had demons to fight, and he was worried about it being the blind leading the blind. But he also knew that if anyone could help the other, it was them.

Deeks gave him a nod, understanding the unasked question. Kensi had missed the exchange because Sam had drawn her into a hug.

"Good to have you home, Kens." She nodded against his chest, not trusting herself to speak right now.

He let her go and turned to Deeks, drawing him into a hug, too.

"Thank you Deeks. You saved our asses out there. Remember what I said, talk it out. Don't let it eat you alive, okay? You need her as much as she needs you right now." He whispered it to him, knowing Deeks wouldn't want Kensi to hear it.

"Got it. Thanks man." They pulled away and Callen shook his hand before hugging Kensi.

As soon as the other partners left, Deeks looked over at Kensi, who had her arms wrapped around herself.

"So uh, I guess I can take you home and then call a cab to take me to my place. I've been driving your car lately, but don't worry, no scratches or dents. That I know of." He put his hand up to the back of his neck, suddenly nervous. He had slept more soundly those few hours in her lap then he had since she had left.

"Deeks." Kensi said his name, bringing his attention back to her.

"I want to be at your place, right now, with you." Her eyes filled again as she said it. She knew if she went home alone, she would lose it. At least this way, if she did lose it, she had someone there she trusted to help her pick up the pieces. She watched his face, wondering if she had said the wrong thing.

"Never mind. Home is fine." She went to get in and he stopped her, pulling her to him.

"Kens… "

"I just, I didn't want to be alone right now. I can't tell you everything will be fine, because right now it isn't, but I could really use a friend." The tears were coming down now and she couldn't hold them back.

"Me too, Kens. A friend sounds really good right now." His voice broke, and they held onto each other until they both calmed down a little and pulled back.

"Come on. Let's go home." He closed the car door after she got in and walked to the driver side. No matter what the future might have in store for them, he knew he would always be there for her as a friend, partner or something more. But he also knew that right now, the best place for both of them was 'friend.' And while they both had a long journey ahead of them, both with their own personal demons to fight, he knew he would never stop fighting for her.

He started the car and drove off. And for the first time in months, he didn't have to wonder where his best friend was. He may have some rage inside of him he needed to let loose, but he also knew that having her here next to him was worth everything that had happened. He was going home finally, with his best friend. His prayers had been answered.

* * *

_AN - So I still haven't decided if I am going to continue it or not. Regardless, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts. :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_justareader07 had another one shot idea that, with permission, I was able to work into this chapter. Massive thanks to him for letting me bounce ideas and helping me with it._

_for bookdiva, who while insanely busy, took the time to look it over for me. You are amazing and I can't say that enough!_

_To everyone who took the time to review, follow and favorite, you all are freakin' awesome! Thank you so much! Hope you enjoy this chapter._

_Disclaimer - I do not own NCIS LA, the characters or Rascal Flatts._

* * *

The two partners were silent on the way home, both lost in their thoughts. Deeks turned the radio on, not paying attention to what station it was, just needing some kind of background noise. He pulled up to his apartment, catching the words of the chorus of the country song wafting through the speakers and he paused, looking over at Kensi.

_I will stand by you_

_I will help you through_

_When you've done all you can do_

_If you can't cope_

_I will dry your eyes_

_I will fight your fight_

_I will hold you tight_

_And I won't let go_

Deeks reached over, seeing the haunted look in her eyes and grabbed her hand. He continued to listen to the song, the meaning of the words hitting him like a ton of bricks.

_It hurts my heart_

_To see you cry_

_I know it's dark_

_This part of life_

_Oh it finds us all_

_And we're too small_

_To stop the rain_

_Oh but when it rains._

Small tears were falling out of both of their eyes at this point, and Deeks quickly got out and walked to her side, opening the door and pulling her out into his arms. He needed to hold her, even if it was just a friendly hug, to remind them both that they were okay. They gently swayed with the music and Kensi felt the tears fall harder when she heard the next part.

_And I won't let you fall_

_Don't be afraid to fall_

_I'm right here to catch you_

_I won't let you down_

_It won't get you down_

_You're gonna make it_

_Yeah I know you can make it_

The chorus came on again before drifting off. They reluctantly pulled apart when the next song came on and Deeks turned the car off, grabbed their stuff and led her inside. His neighbor had agreed to watch Monty until he returned, and he figured that because it was so late, it wouldn't hurt to leave him there one more night.

As he opened his door, he noticed Kensi hesitate. He held his hand out to her, repeating the words they had both just danced to.

"I'm right here to catch you." She stared at him, wanting to take his hand and believe the words, but she was also scared. He patiently waited for her to make up her mind, his hand never wavering in front of her. And it was that moment that she realized they needed each other to get through this. She needed him as much as he needed her.

With a shaking hand, she put it in his and he gave her a small smile, pulling her gently over the threshold.

She welcomed the memories that assaulted her as she walked inside, remembering the last time she was here. He squeezed her hand, knowing where he mind was because for the first time, she looked a little less haunted.

"Come on, go take a shower. You're safe now Kens. You're home." She looked at him for a minute before she nodded, wondering if being home made her feel safe, or if _he_ made her feel safe. And she knew it was combination of both. She walked to the bathroom and turned the water on, letting it wash away her pain.

Deeks sat down on the couch, head in his hands. He had no idea where to start. His mind was on overdrive right now, as he let himself for the first time let go of all the anguish and hurt he had been holding back for so long. He allowed himself this moment of weakness, feeling the tears fall, knowing he needed to let some of it out if he was going to help her.

He remembered the blind cleric, the hours of no sleep and depriving him of food, the phone call and the picture he had demanded be sent, the feeling of absolute devastation when he saw it. He let the shame wash over him and the tears continue to fall as he recollected the snap of his mind, the way he hadn't cared what he did after that as he filled that damn bucket of water and put the cloth over the cleric's face and poured the water on it.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket as he laid down and looked at the picture of Kensi, blood pooling around her and her eyes closed. It was so real and he had to stop himself from barging into the bathroom to make sure she was really alive. He closed his eyes for a minute, holding the phone. He was so lost inside of himself that he didn't hear her come out again.

Kensi saw him lying on the couch with his eyes closed, clutching his phone. She could see the tear stains on his cheeks and her heart broke for him. He didn't know she had heard his confession to the guys on the way home, his mind telling him she had been having a nightmare when she couldn't hold the tears at bay any longer. She walked over and tried taking the phone out of his hand.

As soon as her hand pulled, he felt the change and held onto it, not letting go. He opened his eyes and looked at her, but the touch of fingers on the screen had brought the picture back up and she was staring at it, a look of horror on her face.

"Oh my God." She fell onto the couch and just stared straight ahead, willing her mind to stop. Suddenly, the endless days of beatings and torture she had gone through were too much. She started shaking violently and Deeks sat up as fast as he could, wrapping her in his arms.

"Kensi, you're okay. You're home. I'm right here." He rocked her and after a few minutes, she started to calm down a little.

"Deeks –"

"I'm right here Kens. Not going anywhere, okay?" She pulled away from him for a minute.

"Are you sure? Because right now, it seems we're both lost, and I don't know the way back." The admission shocked them both a little, and Deeks was the first to look away. Kensi immediately grabbed his hands, anchoring them together.

"I don't know the way either. I um… I did some pretty bad shit over there Kens. Shit I didn't know I was capable of." She squeezed his hands, bringing his attention back to her.

"I heard you on the plane Deeks." He started shaking his head at her before yanking his hands away, hoping to God she was lying.

"No. No no no no. God Kensi, please tell me you didn't." He could deal with the shame of his actions, but he hadn't wanted Kensi to know about it. That monstrous part of him would only make her look at him with disgust, and he couldn't handle that right now.

"Deeks. Look at me." It took him a few minutes, but he finally made eye contact with her and she held her hand out to him, much he had done earlier, only this time it took a little longer for him to put his up, grasping it.

"I heard it. All of it. And whatever it is you think is going through my mind, you're wrong. I don't think you are weak, or less of a person."

Deeks just shook his head. "Kensi, how can you say that? I am weak. I let my feelings rule my actions, and they turned me into… into a monster Kensi. I saw that picture, and thinking you were dead? I wanted to die, too. And more than that, I wanted to kill everyone that had a hand in it. Now… now I don't know how to live with myself."

"Deeks, when you realized what you were doing, you stopped. A good man wouldn't stop. We both know that. And I know you hate yourself right now for what happened, but I don't. I can't, because you got me back Deeks. Like you always do. And you didn't save just me, but the entire team." She looked down and played with his fingers, remembering when she didn't think she would ever see him again, yet here they were, both fighting a losing war over guilt and self-hatred for their actions.

"None of this would have happened if I hadn't lost sight of my mission." It was Kensi's turn to pull her hand away and she stood up, suddenly overwhelmed with the weight of her actions. She got up and went to the kitchen, getting a glass off the shelf and filling it with water.

"Kensi, this isn't your fault." Deeks stayed on the couch, letting her have some space. He watched her jerky movements and let her show her anger however she needed to right now.

"Emotions wouldn't have ruled your actions if it wasn't for me doing the exact same thing. I was the reason you were there in the first place Deeks. Me. My emotions getting the better of me." She put the glass down with more force than she had anticipated and it shattered, making them both jump.

Kensi slid down to the floor, everything becoming too much. She had done this to Deeks, and she had no idea how to handle it. Before she knew it, Deeks was kneeling in front her, looking her over to check for any new injuries. She watched as his eyes roamed over her and when he was satisfied that there was nothing new, he grabbed her hands and waited.

"My mission was to kill the White Ghost. When Granger realized we had a chance at it, I took action. Made it to the hilltop and looked through the scope, ready to end it so I could come home. But instead of seeing a faceless traitor, I saw Jack. And instead of taking the shot, I missed on purpose. I couldn't do it, Deeks." Tears started coming down again, slowly.

"I snuck out of camp that night. I just… I had to know. I let the Taliban capture me, hoping it would get me to him. What exactly I wanted to say – do – when I got there, I had no idea. But I had a chance at closure, and I took it. My selfishness, that's what did this."

They both sat there, looking at the hands that were still together. It was such a simple thing, holding hands, but for them it became so much more. It kept them tethered together, each willing to pull the other out of the hole of despair when it became too much. Before they knew it, they had both leaned forward, foreheads pressed together, eyes still cast down.

"Did you find it, Kens? Did you get your closure?" Deeks was worried about this answer, knowing that it could drastically change their future together, whatever the future held.

"Yeah, Deeks. I found it. But at what cost, huh? Because of it, we both lost pieces of ourselves over there."

"Maybe those pieces we left over there helped the rest of the puzzle fit together here." Kensi pulled back, looking at him, confusion in her eyes.

"I'm not sure you ever would have really let me in, fully, without knowing what had happened all those years ago. I think the ghosts of the past would have caught up eventually and you would have pushed me away for fear of me leaving like he did. I know it's not easy, but I think that whatever he told you, no matter what it was, will help heal those old wounds. It may take some time, but eventually it will heal."

Deeks took one of his hands away and wiped away the tears on her cheeks before doing the same thing to his face. Intertwining his hand with hers again, he kept going.

"I never really talked about what happened after you rescued me from that chair. Nate came by a couple of times, but I was pretty good at evading the questions and never really talking about it. Eventually, that was going to come to a head, because this black part of my soul that was there was only getting bigger." He took one of their joined hands and used it to lift her chin up so she was looking at him again.

"We have to talk to someone Kensi. We both have issues we need to work out. But we also need to understand that what happened, it wasn't either of our faults. Forces greater than us brought this together. It's how we deal with it that matters. And now, now if we do this right, we can both move on from it better people. You have your closure to something that almost broke you in half. Me, I can try and make sure that the part of my soul I left over there was the black part."

Kensi stared at him, not sure how he didn't hate her right now for what had happened. But she wasn't going to question it. She was too tired, and she saw the fatigue in his eyes too, so she just nodded at him. He stood up, pulling her with him.

"We may be lost, but I'm glad I'm lost with you. We'll find our way back together, Fern." He smiled at her and she saw the determination in his eyes. _Together_. He wasn't going to leave her like Jack had. And if he was going to fight for her, she was sure as hell going to fight for him.

"Together." She kept eye contact, wanting to hate herself for the next words, but she desperately needed his reassurance. "Promise?"

"Promise." She unlinked their hands and put her arms around his waist. She realized they had hugged and touched more in the last 24 hours than their entire partnership, but she couldn't bring herself to feel ashamed of it. This was what they both needed right now, the physical knowledge that the other was there and not going anywhere.

Deeks was the first to pull away, and he took her hand, leading her to his room. He stopped at the door and looked at her, noticing her choice of attire for the first time.

"So, my boxers and an LAPD t-shirt, huh?" She smiled a little, glad that the old Deeks coming back. She just shrugged her shoulders.

"It's comfy." He shook his head, smile on his face.

"Look, I know we said friends right now, and so I'm asking you this as a friend. No funny business, I won't try and fondle you or anything, or at least I hope I won't, because that would certainly be weird…" Kensi raised her eyebrows at him, knowing what he was asking and glad he had been the one to bring it up.

"Deeks, shut up. I don't think I want to be alone tonight, so as long as there's no fondling, I would really like it if you stayed."

"So, if I promise not to put my hands anywhere inappropriate, can I hold you? Because I think we both need to get some sleep, and I know I will sleep better with you in my arms." He looked at her expectantly, worried he had crossed a line.

"As long as I get the right side. But you need to shower first." He chuckled at her and watched as she climbed into bed, on his side, but at that point he couldn't bring himself to care. He hurried to the bathroom and showered.

By the time he got back, Kensi had already fallen asleep but was moaning, her body jerking a little. He quickly got into bed beside her, pulling her to him. As soon as he had his arms around, she calmed down, her breathing evening out and her body stilling.

Deeks laid there for another hour, wanting to make sure that if she had a nightmare, he would be there and ready to bring her out of it. After an hour, he realized that whatever she had been dreaming about before he got in bed, he had chased it away by pulling her into his arms.

The knowledge that he was her safety net, the only one she felt comfortable enough with the let her guard down and know that he would be there to catch her if she fell was like a ray of sunshine in the dark hole they were both in. But he would make sure they both came out of it together. There was no way she was going to go through this alone, and he knew Sam's words from earlier were right. He needed her as much as she needed him. Because together… together they could do anything, including battling their demons.

* * *

_AN - I have a couple more chapters planned out if y'all are interested. Leave me a review and let me know. :)_


	3. Chapter 3

_So, justareader07 and I have teamed up on this now. He's pretty damn awesome and I'm so glad he's working with me on it. His words in a nutshell - he gives me the skeleton of the chapter, I bring it to life and make it dance._

_Bookdiva, can I thank you enough? I know you hear it a thousand times a day from me, but seriously girl, you are amazing! I know justareader07 thanks you too! :)_

_Disclaimer - not mine. We all know that by now._

* * *

The next few days went by quickly and before they knew it, Sunday afternoon was upon them. They had spent most of their days trying to acclimate back to real life. Deeks told Kensi about different operations they had done, how Nell had done in the field and Callen having an actual love life now. The last one had left Kensi somewhat speechless at first and laughing almost hysterically towards the end. When Deeks had finished the story of how Callen and Joelle had met, he couldn't help but grin at her, too. Not so much because of the story – no matter how comical it may be – but because for the first time in days she was actually smiling, and it made him hope the pain they had both endured was starting to heal.

They had both talked about getting out of the apartment for a little bit, but every time it was time to pull the trigger, one of them came up with an excuse to stay in and order food out. The only sunshine they had seen was for the few minutes they would walk Monty.

As they sat on the couch Sunday afternoon, with hands that always seemed to be intertwined now, Deeks looked over at Kensi.

"Let's go to the beach." He wasn't giving her time to answer before he was standing up, tugging her hand with him until she was standing. She looked at him and saw a spark of excitement in his eyes that hadn't been there since they had been home, and she realized she had missed it.

"Okay." That one, simple answer had them both smiling at each other before Deeks nodded at her.

"Okay." He reluctantly let go of her hand, and much like it did every time he had to let go, he instantly missed the feeling of an invisible anchor holding him down. He shook his head a little, trying to clear his head and walked to the closet to get some toys for Monty.

Twenty minutes later, they were pulling up to the beach. Monty's tail hadn't stopped wagging since he had seen the bag of toys, and the partners laughed at the sight of Monty, running up and down the beach a little like an excited puppy who didn't know what to do at first.

For the next hour, they let Monty frolic on the sea, tossed balls and Frisbees to him and each other, and enjoyed the salty breeze on their faces and the sand between their toes. Monty had collapsed on the sand next to them and was snoring a little as the two sat on a blanket and watched the setting sun.

"I missed this." Deeks had his hand on Monty, petting him as his other hand searched for the missing piece. As soon as he found Kensi's hand, and she squeezed it, they both knew his statement held more meaning than just being at the beach. They had both missed _this_, being together, doing normal things, but most importantly the feel of the other's skin, the simple act of taking a hand that kept them both grounded, no matter how normal things seemed.

"Me too." Kensi looked over at him as she answered and thanked God again for letting her have another chance at life, at love. She thought back to the words Deeks had said to her regarding getting the closure from Jack, and knew he had been right. No matter how good things could have gotten between them before at some point she would have pushed him away. But now, she was going to hold onto it with both hands. They had talked about just being friends for a while, to adjust to being back and getting through this. But did friends sleep in each other's arms every night, waking up when the other started battling their demons and bringing them back with whispered words and soothing touches? Did friends spend most of the day lounging around on a couch, almost physically unable to not touch the other somehow?

She and Deeks had always had a different kind of partnership/friendship… _thing_. He was the only person she trusted fully, and that feeling was mutual. Their banter and flirting was, on most days, inappropriate at best, but it was them, and if they weren't fighting or flirting, even the cleaning crew at OSP knew something was wrong.

Kensi was so lost in thought that she missed the looks she had been getting from a couple that sitting near them. The first time she noticed them she saw the woman looking at her and the over at Deeks before leaning over and whispering something to the man. Kensi didn't think too much of it until she looked back over a couple of minutes later and saw them both staring and whispering, looking from Deeks to her and back again. Deeks had noticed it by now too and figured it out before Kensi.

"Hey Princess, don't worry about them, okay?" He squeezed her hand, hoping she wouldn't figure it out but more so that he wouldn't have to explain it to her.

"I don't understand why they keep whispering to each other and looking at us." She turned to him and saw the anger he was trying to suppress. Realization dawned on her and she felt sick.

"Oh my God. They can't… surely they don't think…" The thought that the bruises were ugly shades of blue and green on her face and arms had been forgotten in his apartment. She never realized what she must look like, or the speculation that Deeks, _her Deeks_, would be the one to give them to her. She felt anger that someone would try and put two and two together and come up with that conclusion, when it was the farthest thing from the truth. Deeks hadn't put the bruises there, he had _saved_ her. But it wasn't exactly something she could advertise, either.

Deeks could see the mirror of emotions cross her face and while it was taking everything he had not to go over there and tell them to mind their own damn business, he knew he needed to be calm. He had a better reign on his emotions right now than Kensi did, and he didn't want her flying off the handle. Instead, he slowly moved behind her and put his arms around her, feeling the stiffness of her back against his chest.

Kensi sent one last glare in the couple's direction before allowing herself to sink into the safety of Deeks's arms around her. Deeks saw the look she had sent the intruding pair and chuckled a little. The smile grew as he felt her relax in his arms, her arms covering his and lacing their fingers together.

"Forget them Kens." He tightened his grip on her, careful of her ribs but needing her quiet strength to push away his past. The memories of the pitying glances he and his mom would get when they went out sporting different colors were brought back full force and he hated that someone would think he could do this to _her_, when all he wanted to do was protect her.

"I'm sorry Deeks. I didn't even –"

"Stop right there. There is nothing for you to be sorry about. Anyone who thinks that I would lay a hand on you can go to hell. My father was a piece of shit who had no problems putting his fists on me and my mom, and I am _not_ him." He tried to keep the anger out of his voice, but it was getting closer to the surface.

Kensi, sensing this, pulled away from him and turned around, facing him. She put her hands up to his face and used the pads of her thumbs to stroke his jaw.

"No, you are not him. You are good and kind and brave. You flew around the world to save me, Deeks. That's what matters." She put her forehead to his and they both closed their eyes for a minute, savoring the moment. When they pulled back, the storm of emotions was still swirling around them. Instead of letting the storm break, together they stood up, grabbed the blanket they had been sitting on and the bag of toys and linked hands again. Kensi walked them over to the couple and noticed the sympathetic looks on their faces.

"He didn't do this. He saved me from a fate much worse. Save your pity for someone else." And with those parting words, the two walked to his car, Monty happily following.

As soon as Deeks put the car in drive, he looked over at Kensi.

"Not that I don't find it incredibly hot that you were defending my honor, but was that necessary?" He threw a smile at her and she grabbed his hand.

"Yes, it was. I may not be able to say that to everyone who thinks they know our life, but I could say it to them." Deeks nodded a little as he drove them home.

"Well, for whatever it's worth, thank you." Kensi studied his outline and waited a moment, the thought in her head hitting her full force and needing a minute to let it sink in before speaking it.

"Anything for you, Deeks." His head snapped towards her, and they both knew her words went far deeper. So, he did the only thing he could: he squeezed her hand and smiled.

* * *

The next morning they woke up wrapped in each other's arms. They had both woken up when the other started moaning or lashing out, bringing the other out of whatever nightmare they were trapped in. It had turned into their thing – as soon as one of them started whimpering or moving around, the other would hold on a little tighter, whispering words to sooth until the nightmare was gone. It was exhausting at best, but they both knew that without each other, sleep would elude them all together.

Deeks heard his phone chirp and he reluctantly rolled over to check it. Seeing a message from Hetty asking them to come into work today he groaned, causing Kensi to wake a little and stretch.

"Hey Princess. We gotta get up. Hetty wants to talk to us this morning." Deeks rolled back over, watching as Kensi processed what he had said before opening her eyes.

"I don't wanna get up." Her voice was sleep filled and she was more than happy to stay right here, wrapped up in Deeks and sleep.

"I know, me either. But it's time." She knew he was right, damn him, but it didn't change the fact that she didn't want to move. She suddenly sat up, looking around.

"I don't have any clothes. I mean, I have clothes, but not here." She looked over at him and he chuckled. She had been wearing his LAPD t-shirts and sweatpants, so the need for real clothes hadn't really been noticed before this. She had worn her one pair of pants and shirt that Deeks had washed for her to the beach last night.

"We can swing by your place on the way and you can get some clothes. It's not a big deal Kens." Well, it was a big deal, because he was worried that she would start pushing him away now that the real world was starting to knock at the door. If she wanted to start sleeping at her apartment instead of his, he wouldn't argue with her, but he knew that his nightmares would take over if she wasn't there, and he was man enough to admit that that scared him. He had already been down this road once, and he now knew he needed her to help keep his demons away.

He watched for a minute, seeing the same inner battle going on and wondering what was going to win out.

"Yeah, okay. Can um… well do you think…" Damn her nerves. She couldn't even get the question out, and Deeks could sense what she was wanting to ask.

"I think I can clear out some space for you, if you want it." They locked eyes, each person seeing the fear of being alone right now shining at them.

"It's just… I don't think I can sleep without you right now." Kensi put her head down, not ashamed of the admission, but a little startled by it. They had come a long way since she had been back, shared a lot of different things since then, but personal feelings for the other wasn't something they really talked about. Gestures they could do, the holding hands, sleeping together, but they hadn't actually talked about anything.

"I don't think I can either." It wasn't much, but it was a start for both of them. Kensi nodded at him, grateful it wasn't just her and watched as her partner got up and headed for the shower as she went to the kitchen and started the coffee.

Kensi had just finished her cup when he walked out, hair damp and wearing his jeans and blue V-neck shirt and she missed his words.

"Ready to go?" She was staring, but she didn't care. Deeks watched her, wanting to throw some quips at her and debated for a minute if that would be a good idea.

"I can take the shirt off you know. I'm sure everyone at work would appreciate a shirtless Marty Deeks. Although Callen might get a little jealous, and you know how much he pouts about things like that." Kensi started laughing, bringing her back to the present and walked up to him, wrapping her arms around his middle. Deeks did the same, putting his cheek against her hair.

"You're not just my partner Deeks." She wanted to tell him just how much he meant to her, but the words were struck in her throat.

"I know Kens. You're my best friend, and I hope I'm yours." She pulled back a little, arms still around each other and looked at him.

"You're so much more than my best friend. You're… everything. I know I suck at communication, and right now neither one of us is in a place to make an actual relationship work. But one of these days we will be. Right?" The thought that they were both too damaged to be able to really move on from this scared her.

"You are my light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing that keeps me tethered to the here and now. So yes, we will make it past this – _together_ – because that's the only option I'm willing to accept. Anything else means we lose each other, and I will move heaven and hell to make sure that doesn't happen." His words washed over her and she laid her head back on his chest.

"Don't let me go, okay?" Deeks hated the way her voice sounded so small and the slight tremble he could feel.

"Never, Kens. I will never let you go." They stood for a moment in the embrace, listening to the others breathing before Deeks pulled back.

"As much as I want to stay here, we need to get going. Wouldn't do for you to show up in the same clothes everyone saw you in last time... _again_. We'd never hear the end of it." She nodded at him and he grabbed her hand, leading her out the door.

The stop at her house was quick. She showered and dressed, and they were out the door in half an hour. As they pulled up to the mission, Kensi felt her heart rate speed up a little. The last time she was here, she was forced to leave under the dark of night, with no idea where she was going. She had been forced apart from her team, and the reason for it was still unknown.

"Hey. Don't think about that. We are here, together, and that's what matters, okay?" She turned her head at the sound of Deeks's words and saw the recognition in his eyes. He always seemed to know what she was thinking and what to say, and she was grateful for it. She just nodded at him and got out the car, ready to face the day.

They walked in together and their greeting had not been what they were expecting. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned. Someone started cheering, and by the time they made it to their desks, the entirety of the Office of Special Missions were applauding them. Both were blushing at this point and had migrated even closer to each other.

Nell was the first one to them and she flung her arms around Kensi. Nell had seen her friend at the airport, but this was different. They were back, and it was real. No words were needed as they hugged and Kensi could feel tears pricking her eyes. She blinked them back as Nell let go, turning her attention to Deeks and giving him the same hug she had just giving Kensi. Eric was next, cautiously giving Kensi a hug and telling her he was glad she okay, that she was back. When Eric moved on to shake Deeks's hand, she looked at Sam and Callen, both standing at their desks watching.

"What, no hug?" Deeks was smiling at the other two partners and Sam just shook his head at him but couldn't hide the smile that was on his face.

"Not for you." Sam pushed off the desk and walked over, pulling Kensi to him. "Glad to have you back Kens."

"Good to be back." She smiled at him as he pulled away and looked at Callen, the man she regarded as her brother. He opened his arms and Kensi walked into them.

"Thank you." She whispered it to him, and he exhaled the breath he had been holding.

"Anything for you Kens. Just glad you're back." She nodded against his chest and pulled back.

Hetty stood off to the side as she watched the team's reunion. She waited until the hugs had been given and hands shaken before letting her presence be known.

"Good morning. You are a sight for sore eyes, Ms. Blye." Kensi just nodded at her, not trusting herself to speak for fear of demanding answers right now and she knew it wasn't the time. Deeks walked over next to her and stood close enough their shoulders touched.

Hetty saw the action and the guarded look in both of their eyes. She knew that she owed these two an explanation, but she also knew they had some things to work through before she could travel down that particular road.

"I would like to have a word with you both in my office please." She turned and walked away as the two partners looked at each other before following. Neither had any idea what this was about, and unknowingly linked their pinkies together.

Sam and Callen watched the action and smiled. Both of the senior agents had been worried about how their younger teammates would deal with what had happened, each going through their own personal hell. But it would seem that as long as they had each other, they would be okay.

Kensi and Deeks stood in front of Hetty's desk as she made her tea and waited, both a little nervous about what was going to happen. Hetty took a sip and looked at them, noticing their semi joined hands and smiled inwardly. She had caused them unknown amounts of pain, but they were still here, still together, no matter what else.

"For the time being, I am going to keep you both on desk duty." Kensi had been prepared for that, but apparently Deeks hadn't been. He went to open his mouth to ask why, but Hetty just looked at him.

"You both have issues to work out. Mr. Deeks, it would benefit you both to talk to a professional about the circumstances surrounding not only what happened in Afghanistan, but also what happened with Sidorov." Both partners stiffened at the name of the man who was currently rotting in hell, flashbacks hitting them like a ton of bricks. Hetty waited a moment for the initial wave to ebb before continuing.

"Mr. Getz is here and you will both talk to him before being cleared to go back in the field." Hetty's eyes looked behind them and they turned to see Nate standing there, looking from their hands to their faces with a smile on his face.

"Hey." Despite the reason he was there, Kensi was happy to see him and walked up to him, putting her arms around him and hugged him. Nate was surprised at her actions but quickly recovered, hugging her back.

"Good to see you Kens." She pulled away and went back to her position next to Deeks. "You too Nate." An awkward silence ensued and nobody really knew what to do next.

"I know neither of you are enthusiastic about this, but I'm here to help. So who wants to go first?" He tried to make light of it, but it ran flat. Deeks was looking at the ground, shuffling his feet a little before speaking.

"I will." Deeks looked at Kensi when he answered and saw the surprised look on her face. He may hate talking about his thoughts and feelings like this, again, but he would do whatever was necessary to help himself so he could help her. That's what it came down to, making sure he was there for Kensi, and there wasn't anything in the world he wouldn't do for her.

Kensi recognized his thoughts and tightened her grip on his finger, letting him know that she would do whatever was necessary too.

"Be right back. Try not to get into too much trouble while I'm gone." He smiled at her which she returned and followed Nate as he walked back to his office.

* * *

Deeks sat down in the chair opposite of Nate and waited. He was nervous about this and more than ready to get it over with.

"So Deeks. How are you doing?"

"I'm goo-"Deeks stopped, knowing this wasn't true. He wasn't good, and he hadn't been for quite a while. His eyes glazed over a little as he thought back to everything had happened since his torture, the possibility of PTSD (which scared the shit out of him), the night with Kensi and they day after, Kensi getting reassigned, learning of her capture, finding out she was with her ex-fiancé, torturing someone to get information, learning Kensi was alive and not dead, realizing just how close he had come to losing her forever.

Nate watched as Deeks went to another place and waited, knowing he needed a minute. He saw Deeks's eyes focus again and looked at him.

"I've been… angry." Nate nodded slightly in understanding.

"Let's start with what made you angry." Deeks sighed heavily, knowing it was time to tell the story. For the next hour, he poured his heart out. Nate was a little surprised at the depth of emotion Deeks was showing, the way he was openly talking about things without having to be prodded but sat there and listened. When Deeks had run out of steam, Nate leaned forward.

"You know, I really didn't think you would open up that much. I thought it was going to be a lot harder to get you to talk. So I'm curious, what made you finally do it?"

Deeks mirrored Nate, leaning forward and letting his elbows rest on his knees.

"Kensi… I'm just so damn tired. Tired of holding it in, tired of being alone, tired of not getting what I want, and when I finally do, it's taken away from me. Tired of battling this on my own wondering how the hell I'm supposed to help Kensi when I can't help myself. I'm just tired." Deeks ran his hand through his hair, emotionally drained.

"You know that you need her as much as she needs you. Don't let go of her Deeks. You'll both make it through this, but you need each other to do it. 'Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.'"

Deeks looked at him, recognizing the quote. "Helen Keller." Nate smiled and nodded.

"Not everyone would be able to get past this Deeks. You two… you have each other. And really, that's all you need." Deeks nodded at him, knowing he was right. In just a few days, they had come a long way. They both still had dark moments, when the pain and memories flooded their minds, but the other was always there to bring them back.

"Now I know you are more field ready than Kensi right now, but I'd like to have at least one more session with you alone and one with you and her together if you'd both like before I fully clear you." Deeks started nodding his head.

"Yeah, no, I get it. That's actually less than what I was expecting, so… Whatever you need me to do, I'm game." He felt relief that he had finally gotten everything off his chest and that he was going to be okay, as long as he had Kensi. Getting the reaffirmation that they needed each other to get past this was comforting, finally realizing himself that if Nate had told him that they needed time apart, he would have lost it.

They both stood up, shook hands and headed out the door.

* * *

Kensi watched as Deeks followed Nate up the stairs and suddenly felt lost. She wandered over to her desk and sat down, listening the Sam and Callen talk about Callen's new girlfriend.

"So, wait a second, start from the beginning. I missed a lot while I was gone." Her face fell a little as she said this, wondering what else she had missed but shook her head a little to keep herself from thinking too much of it. She had already heard this tale from Deeks, but she knew that their version would be just as amusing.

As Sam and Callen went back and forth on the events of the set up and meet, Kensi could feel a smile forming. Sam was bragging that he was the reason his partner had a love life and she couldn't help it.

"So when you say _you_, you really mean Michelle, right?" Callen almost choked on his coffee as Sam just crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at them both.

"You know what, I'm done with both of you." He sat forward and opened his computer, acting like paperwork was the most important thing right now.

"Come on big guy, you know it's true. Even Kensi saw through your story. No reason to pout." Sam glanced up at him, before turning his attention back to the computer.

Callen looked over Kensi and smiled. "You know how sensitive he can get." Kensi laughed as Sam threw a pen at him and a game of hoops was decided on to clear up who pouted more at being bested.

"You wanna come too Kens?" Callen had stood up by now and was standing in front of her desk. She just smiled at him and shook her head.

"No, you boys go have fun. I'm going to go up and talk to Nell and Eric." They nodded and smiled at her before walking towards the gym.

Kensi got up and made her way upstairs. As she walked into OPS, she took in the sights and sounds she had missed. Nell immediately looked up when the doors opened and smiled.

"Hey Kens." Eric turned when he heard Nell and smiled at his friend. It had been too long since she had been up here.

"Hey guys. I was just uh, you know, waiting for Deeks to finish talking with Nate. Thought I would come up here and see what you were up to." She ran her hand along the console, slowly making her way around it. She pictured her and Deeks standing here next to each other as they were briefed on a mission and she missed the normalcy of it. Eric and Nell looked at each other as they watched Kensi walk around the console, her face lost in thought. Nell cleared her throat, and Kensi stopped.

"I'm sorry." Kensi wasn't sure what she was apologizing for, but she felt it needed to be said.

"Nothing to apologize for." Eric walked over to her and put his hand on her shoulder before looking at Nell.

"We've got to go talk to Hetty for a minute. Don't go anywhere, we will be right back." Nell walked over to her friend and put her hand on her arm, smiling at her.

"Sure, okay. I'll just wait here for you." She watched as the Wonder Twins walked out together and she looked around, noticing the tech center was empty. She sat down in Eric's chair and started twirling around. On her third turn, her foot went out a little father and she hit the desk. She put her hand out to steady herself and hit the keyboard, bringing the computer to life.

She looked up at the screen, wondering what she was looking at. She scanned the contents of the folders until she noticed one with Deeks's phone number on it. The date was listed next to it… _wait a second_. That was the date he had been in Afghanistan.

Curiosity got the better of her and she clicked on the recording that was attached to the file. She heard her partner's voice, but it didn't really sound like him.

_"Send me the photo."_

_Hetty's voice answered him. "There's no need."_

_"Send me the photo. Hetty, send me the photo." His voice cracked a little, demanding to see the picture._

_"It's on its way. Have you gotten any information from the cleric, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty was talking to him but he wasn't listening anymore. _

_"You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at a picture of my partner with her throat cut. Is that what you do to women? Huh, you cut their throats? You cut off their ears and their noses?"_

Kensi could hear Deeks start getting angrier as he talked about a little girl getting shot in the face for wanting to go to school. Tears were pouring down now as she heard Deeks start yelling and what sounded to be a punch and a chair falling over.

_"You tell him to give me a name or I swear to God I will shoot him in the chest." _

She could hear the two men yelling at each other about translating Deeks's words and she wrapped her arms around herself. She knew she should turn it off, there was no reason she needed to hear it, but she just _couldn't_.

Suddenly, the yelling stopped and she could hear one man say they needed to leave. And then the sound of water filled her ears, water hitting the bottom of a bucket as it filled up. She heard the man say not to do this, the cleric wasn't going to tell them anything. And she completely broke down when she heard Deeks sniff.

_"You want to know the truth? I don't even care if it works."_

Sobs racked her body as she listened to the three men talk and when Deeks didn't get the name he was looking for, his next words left her covered in goose bumps.

_"Tell him I'll see him in hell." _

The sound of water being poured assaulted her as Deeks continued to yell. At this point, she couldn't hear the words over the sounds of her crying but she knew from his confession to Sam and Callen in the plane that he had been trying to get a name.

And then she heard the bucket fall and Deeks telling the cleric he was sorry. She continued to cry, her heart literally aching for the man who had done the unthinkable to find out who had done this to her.

Suddenly, silence filled the room and Eric put his hand on her shoulder. She jumped and screamed a little before realizing it was him.

"Come here, Kens." He pulled her up and hugged her tight, just like Deeks had after he had rescued them all. She couldn't stop the flow of tears and let Eric hold her until she regained her composure.

"I did that Eric. That was my fault." Nell had walked in at that point and saw the scene in front of her. She looked at the screen, immediately recognizing the folder and walked over to them, putting her hand on her back.

"No Kensi. This was _not_ your fault." A few minutes later, Kensi calmed down enough to pull away from Eric.

"If it's not my fault, then whose is it?" The two looked at each other and then back at Kensi, both knowing who was to blame but neither wanting to be the one to tell her. Kensi took their silence as confirmation that it was indeed her and walked out, shoulders slumped, the weight of the guilt almost too much bear.

She glanced down at the bull pen and saw Deeks taking a seat at his desk. She looked over at Nate before she could catch her partners eye and motioned for him to come on up. Nate looked over at Deeks as they both watched Kensi avoid eye contact and walk into Nate's office.

Nate followed Deeks up the stairs and stopped as he watched Deeks walk into OPS. The doors swooshed closed and he waited a moment before walking into his office and closing the door.

Eric and Nell were standing in OPS when Deeks walked in, confusion clouding his face.

"What happened?" He had noticed the tear stains on Kensi's cheeks and the misery on her face.

"She uh, she found the recording." Eric's voice was nervous as he told his friend that Kensi had heard what happened.

"Oh my God." He whispered it more to himself before walking downstairs and sat in his chair, wondering if this was the beginning of the end.

* * *

Nate sat down behind his desk and watched as Kensi pulled herself together.

"What happened Kensi?" She looked up at him and steeled her nerves before answering him.

"I heard something I shouldn't have. And I uh, it's my fault Nate." Tears gathered again and Nate got up and walked around to the chair next to hers.

"Listen to me Kensi." He waited for a moment until she looked at him.

"Whatever it is you heard, it is _not_ your fault, okay? Tell me what happened." His voice was gentle but firm, needing her to open up and get it off her chest before it consumed her. And his soft spoken request was all she needed.

For the next hour, Kensi let it out. All her fears about getting to Deeks when he was captured, the guilt from leaving him in the chair and then waiting so long to go to him, the night so many months ago that had changed the course of their partnership and they day after. Her feelings on getting reassigned, finding Jack again after all these years and the torture they had both endured. She told him about her talk with Jack and how she didn't understand how he could move on so quickly when she couldn't.

But nothing compared to the anguish she carried at what Deeks had gone through for her. Tears started gathering again when she whispered her confession to Nate that the thought of Deeks was what got her through the worst thing she had ever had to go through. And the knowledge that he had tortured a man had already caused her to lose sleep at night, but it was nothing compared to actually hearing it. The way his voice had broke, the pain she could hear in his words and then how he'd just become indifferent when he said he didn't care if it worked or not.

Nate didn't stop her, letting her finish uninterrupted.

"Kensi, look at me." She turned her head to him, her hands wringing together in her lap.

"Deeks has a lot of things to work through, too, but this guilt you're carrying, it's not necessary. He doesn't blame you, and you need to stop blaming yourself. You will never get over this if you don't let go of this blame. And Deeks… he needs you Kensi. He needs you as much as you need him."

He waited a few minutes before she finally nodded at him.

"Let me ask you something. What is it that makes your partnership unique?" She tilted her head at him before Deeks's voice flittered through her head.

"It's a love story." Nate smiled at her and nodded his head.

"Are you willing to let your love story end here, when there's so many more chapters ahead of you that have yet to be written? Because this is the time that's going to determine how long this particular story lasts. And I would be lying if I said I thought it would end here."

"How um…" her voice trailed off and Nate saw the question in her eyes.

"Together. You do it together Kens." She nodded her head at him and stood up, hugging him again.

"Thank you Nate."

"Anytime Kens." He pulled away and looked at his friend, seeing the obvious change in her from an hour ago. She looked lighter now and he hoped that she would be able to let go of everything she was carrying around.

Kensi walked out of Nate's office and looked around. She immediately saw Deeks sitting at his desk, head down. _What the hell?_ She briefly wondered if his talk with Nate had left him like that until she turned to see where the others were and saw Eric's face. The apologetic look he sent her told her everything she needed to know. Deeks knew that she had heard the recording now, and his depressed state told her where her partner's mind was.

She walked up to Deeks, kneeling beside him. It took him a minute to bring his eyes to hers, worried about what he would see there. He didn't need a reminder of that day, it was something he knew would be forever etched in his mind. But he didn't want to see what her eyes held, fearing the worst.

Once the connection was made, he saw not disgust and loathing, but awe and respect, and he didn't understand it. How could she not look at him with repulsion right now? She'd heard what he'd done. He started to open his mouth to ask, but she just shook her head.

"Later." He instantly closed his mouth and tilted his head at her. Kensi felt like he was looking into her soul at that moment, the intensity of his stare almost scaring her, but she wasn't going to back down from it. He had done what he had to do to get her back. He found himself before it was too late. And she was going to make damn sure that he knew that, because she could see the self-hatred every time she looked in his eyes. If he didn't blame her for what happened, it was time she stopped blaming herself.

After a minute, Deeks must have found what he was looking for, because his face relaxed and he nodded at her. Sam and Callen had stood there, watching the exchange, and were more than a little impressed. They always knew the two partners could communicate without words, but after everything that had happened between them, not even a five month separation could break their bond. These two had been through hell and back several times now, and for some people, that kind of intense strain broke them. But with Kensi and Deeks, all it did was make their connection stronger.

Sam cleared his throat, bringing their attention away from each other and over to him.

"I say we get some beers tonight. What do you say?" Kensi and Deeks both looked at each other before looking back at him, nodding.

"Beers would be great." Deeks answered for them and looked over at Hetty, who had walked up.

"Mr. Deeks, Ms. Blye, you two go ahead and take the rest of the day off. I know today was trying for you both. Go home, relax, go out and have drinks tonight. I will see you both back here tomorrow for work." They both nodded at her and she turned, walking away.

As much as Callen and Sam wanted to tease them about getting to leave early, they had talked to Nell and knew what had happened when Kensi had gone to up to OPS earlier. They had seen a solemn Deeks sitting at his desk, waiting for Kensi to finish her session with Nate and both were a little worried. But they could also see that things were starting to settle between them, and they knew that this time together was exactly what they needed.

"Make sure you have your phones on you. I'll text you later on the meeting place." Sam nodded at the two and sat down.

"You got it. See you tonight." Kensi smiled at them both and waited for Deeks so they could leave. As he got next to her, their hands found each other again and they stopped and looked at each other. Deeks squeezed it, letting her know everything would be okay. She smiled at him and started walking again, bumping his shoulder a little.

As the two opened the door, the other set of partners watched them walk out into the sunshine hand in hand and smiled. Those two had never had it easy, but now they had each other, and that was enough.

* * *

_AN - so, now that you've read it, what did you think? We would love to know!_


	4. Chapter 4

_HUGE thanks to bookdiva for taking time out of her busy days to look over this for me. She's pretty incredible._

_And my partner in crime (justareader07) and I would like to say THANK YOU to everyone who has taken time to favorite, follow and review. You guys are amazing._

* * *

Deeks had been cleared by Nate after a couple more sessions. He was more than excited about it, but things still weren't right. Kensi hadn't been cleared yet, but the improvement they both saw in each other was amazing. They had yet to spend a night alone, but the nightmares were starting to wane for each of them. And while the friendship was still firmly rooted—and their main focus—the attraction between them was also growing. Little touches between the two were starting to last longer, the looks holding more heat. It had been five and half months since their fateful night, and both were more than a little nervous to cross that bridge again – the last time things had blown up in their faces before it could even begin, and the frozen lake had cracked before they knew how to fix it.

The difference, though, was that this time they knew exactly what was on the line, and neither would be willing to give it up. During this time that Kensi had been back, they had figured out the fine line of work and home, and even though things were still a little shaky sometimes, it wasn't anything they had been unable to get past. They arrived together every day, shoulders touching as they walked in the door. And you could see them holding hands and smiling as they left the mission each day, the rest of the world be damned.

Kensi was hoping this would be the day Nate would clear her for duty. She had made tremendous progress forward in the week she had been talking to him. She was learning to let go of the guilt and blame she had been carrying because of what Deeks had done. She was starting to believe that it wasn't her fault, and that what had happened with Jack wasn't something she could control. You can't force someone to stay with you and love you, no matter how much you want it to happen. He had let go of her and their past, and she was beginning to do the same.

Kensi's eyes flicked over to her partner and she smiled. Yeah, she was doing the same. Because this man sitting across from her, he believed in her and she knew that no matter what, unless it was death, he wouldn't leave her like Jack had. It had taken something horrific for her to open her eyes fully and understand that what they had – their thing – it was solid, and it was real. They may not have been able to cross that bridge yet, but they both had one foot on it and as long as he was here next to her, holding her hand, this time the bridge would hold.

"Watcha thinkin' about over there?" Kensi's eyes focused and she locked eyes with her partner who was smiling at her. "It was me, wasn't it? I'm the stuff daydreams are made of."

Kensi just rolled her eyes and threw a pen at him. She knew she couldn't refute it, because he _was_ the one she had been thinking of, and if she tried to lie he would see right through it.

Sam and Callen watched the two, but before any more teasing could happen, Eric whistled, calling the team up to OPS. They all stood and made their way up the stairs. Kensi may not have been cleared for field work yet, but she could still put her two cents in regarding the case. Just as she made the landing, she felt Deeks next to her.

"I see you didn't deny your little daydreams there Fern. Don't worry, you star in all of mine, too." He pushed past her as her jaw dropped. They hadn't really flirted a whole lot since she had been home, but it seemed that that little game was back on.

As she took her spot next to him behind the console, she whispered to him. "Touché." Deeks's face lit up with the smile she had missed so very much. She nudged her elbow to his before bringing her attention back to Eric.

But, it didn't escape her that Deeks had slowly moved his arm closer to her so that they were touching ever so slightly. She knew it was silly, but the simple act made her happy.

A marine had been murdered the night before, and all evidence pointed to the wife. She had found out that her husband had been having an affair and had made plenty of threats towards both parties. Her prints had been found at the crime scene, and her hat had been left behind.

Eric and Nell had found her on traffic cams in a seedy motel in the bad part of town. The three men made their game plan to surround the room and get inside, hopefully without any issues.

As Kensi was checking the straps on Deeks's tactical gear, she could feel his eyes on her. When she was satisfied that his gear was on tight she stood back up, meeting his eyes.

"You care." His words were short, simple, and full of longing.

"I do." She held his gaze. They both knew that there was a chance of one of them not coming back at the end of the day, and they were both starting to realize the significance of not leaving things unsaid.

"I do, too." He smiled at her, knowing they weren't in the right place to say the words or to make the actions, but they always could say more with their eyes than words ever could.

"Be careful, okay? Don't make me get off desk duty to come save you." She saw a flash of something in his eyes for a split second, and if they didn't have the past they had, she would have missed it. She looked down, wondering if and when they would ever get past walking on eggshells around each other.

Deeks knew he hadn't concealed the painful glint in his eyes well enough when he saw her look down. He couldn't help the memories of both rescue missions they had been on. He put his finger under her chin, bringing her attention back to him.

"I'll be careful. As long as I know you'll be here when I get back…" he let his voice drift off and stared at her. Last time he hadn't been with her, she had vanished. And while his head told him she wasn't going anywhere, his heart was still having problems catching up.

Kensi's hand found his and she squeezed. "I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise." They had both needed this reassurance, and he used his thumb to run over hers. They both stared at each other, unconsciously getting closer together until they heard Callen talking to Sam. They both took a step back but kept their eyes locked.

"Damn, aren't they cute, G?" Sam saw the two partners take in each other and smiled.

"Sickening." Callen started making gagging noises and both Kensi and Deeks looked away laughing.

"You two are ridiculous, you know that right?" Kensi glanced between the two and walked back to her desk. She pointed at Deeks, silently reminding him to be careful. He nodded at her and winked, letting her know not to worry, he'd be back.

The mission was suddenly quiet as she got started on paperwork, determined to keep her mind off Deeks and the mission they were currently on.

Three hours later, Eric whistled at her. As soon as she looked at him, he gave her two thumbs up, letting her know all was good and the guys would be heading to the boat shed soon with their suspect.

She mouthed 'thank you' to him and he nodded, heading back into OPS. She put her head in her hands for a minute before she heard someone walking up. Lifting her head, she saw Nate.

"Hey Nate." They smiled at each other, more comfortable with each other now. Sure, they had been friends before this, but now it was different. He knew a lot of her secrets now and he didn't think anything different of her. If it was that easy with him, she knew that she could trust Deeks with the same information and more – so much more.

"Hey Kens. You ready?" He smiled at her, happy that she made progress and had been willingly sharing information. She nodded at him and stood up, following him up the stairs to his office.

She asked him about Rose and Nate leaned back, his smile lighting up the room.

"Yeah, I uh, we went out last night actually." He blushed a little but couldn't hide the fact that it had gone well.

"Nate, that's great. I know she's missed you since you've been gone. Any plans on coming back for a while?" If he didn't know better, he would think that she was deflecting. And a year ago, that's exactly what it would have been. But now, the look on her face was genuine, friendly curiosity.

"There may or may not be something in the works. We'll see." He couldn't give away too much, but he had talked with Hetty about getting transferred back full time. If not the Office of Special Projects, somewhere else close by. She had told him she would see what she could do, but he knew better than to hold his breath. If Hetty didn't want him home, he wouldn't be home.

Thinking about Hetty, Nate realized he hadn't really heard Kensi's take on what had happened and the reason she had been sent in the first place.

"So Kens. I think we've come a long way since our first meeting together. We've covered a lot of things, and I can physically see the difference. You're look lighter, smiling more. I believe I even heard a laugh or two." He smiled at his friend and watched as she did the same.

"Yeah, I um… Deeks and I have talked a lot. I'm starting to actually believe that what happened to Deeks and I – it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could do to change the actions that were done." She kept eye contact with Nate as she said it and he could see the truth in her statement.

"That's great. Really. Because none of it was your fault Kensi." She nodded at him and kept quiet.

"You know, even though we've gone over a lot, I haven't heard your thoughts on Hetty's involvement of it all." Kensi furrowed her eye brows at him and tilted her head a little.

"What do you mean? She sent me over there to see if there was a mole and find the White Ghost."

For all his training, Nate couldn't help but pale just slightly as he realized Kensi didn't know the details. _So that's why she never said anything about it._ Before he could cover his tracks, Kensi spoke.

"What are you talking about Nate?" She still had her eye brows furrowed together, trying to piece together things in her head. She knew Nate was keeping something from her. You don't become a highly trained and respected undercover federal agent without knowing when someone was either lying or keeping secrets. And right now, by omission, Nate was doing both.

"Kensi, I uh –" He had no idea what to say, but he knew she deserved the truth from Hetty herself. "That's something you need to talk to Hetty about."

Kensi narrowed her eyes and stood up. "Well, I think now would be a good time to do that then, huh?" She stood up, not waiting for his reply and threw the door open.

Deeks had just gotten back from the boat shed with the guys and was about to open his computer up when he heard something from upstairs. He saw Kensi storm down the stairs, not even glancing his direction, with a very determined and almost angry look on her face as her eyes stayed glued to Hetty's desk. _What the hell?_

He quickly got up and started to walk over when he heard Kensi's voice.

"What are you not telling me?" He was beside her in a moment and looked back and forth between the two. Hetty took a sip of her tea and looked at Kensi, not even acknowledging Deeks.

"Hetty, what are you not telling me?" Kensi's voice was a little more forceful this time and Deeks instinctively put his hand on her back, letting her know he was there with her. Kensi didn't look at him, but after a moment, she relaxed a little.

Hetty finally looked over at him and back at Kensi. "I think this should be a conversation between you and me, Ms. Blye." Kensi immediately started shaking her head.

"You can say it to us both. It will save me having to recap it later." Her voice held a twinge of sarcasm and Hetty simply nodded. "As you wish."

She set her cup down on the saucer and sighed.

"Jack Simon was a friend of mine." All the air left Kensi's lungs. Deeks quickly took her hand, lacing their fingers together without taking his eyes off Hetty.

"He moved to Afghanistan six years ago, working as a military contractor as well as for the CIA. After his wife was killed in the drone attack, the CIA used his vulnerability and coerced him into becoming an asset." She paused a moment, watching the pair.

"The CIA made up the White Ghost as a way to give validity to his execution. Jack knew they were coming for him and he asked me for help. So I sent you, Ms. Blye, to be his executioner.

"You did _what_?!" Kensi hadn't said a word yet, but Deeks couldn't stop his mouth from opening and words coming out. Kensi squeezed his hand, telling him silently to let her continue to story.

"I was trying to protect a friend. I knew that if I sent you as the shooter, you wouldn't take the shot. I wanted to give him a running start from the wolves. Just not at your expense, Kensi." Hetty kept her eyes on her female agent, trying to convey without words how sorry she was for not telling her the real reason that she had been sent to Afghanistan.

Deeks took his eyes off and Hetty and looked at Kensi, who had tears brimming. She stood there, not moving and it was his turn to squeeze her hand, bringing her back to the present.

"Mr. Deeks, I apologize for letting you believe that you were the reason Ms. Blye was reassigned. There was no way I could reassure you without giving anything away." She moved her eyes back and forth, trying to gauge their reaction.

"No Hetty, that's where you're wrong. All you had to do was say that. The simple words of 'she wasn't sent away because of you' would have been all that was needed. A huge weight would have been lifted, and guilt would have been taken away. Instead, in your own Hetty way, you sent Kensi to kill her ex-fiancé, who she hasn't seen in ten years for personal reasons. And not even _her_ personal reasons… no, that would have been too easy. You had to do it for your own personal agenda."

The anger was rising in his voice and Kensi looked over at him. She started running her thumb back and forth over his as he talked. She wasn't going to stop him, because they both had every reason in the world to feel betrayed right now and she was hoping if she didn't stop him, he wouldn't stop her.

"Mr. Deeks –" Hetty began, but he cut her off.

"What you did… that's unforgivable Hetty. This team has gone through hell and back for each other and for you. And to help a friend get a running start, you not only threw your agent, but the rest of the team to those wolves. What if we hadn't made it on time, huh? We all could have died. Died, Hetty. Does that mean anything to you? Kensi was _tortured_." His voice broke a little before he started again, this time almost yelling.

"Tortured. So you could help a friend, without telling a soul the truth. What would have happened if we hadn't made to her in time? Do you even care?" Deeks took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. Hetty just put her head down for a moment before looking at Kensi, waiting on her reaction.

"I'm sorry Ms. Blye." Kensi just stared at her for a minute, thanking God at that moment for the man standing next to her, keeping her grounded simply by being there and holding her hand.

"It's a little late for apologies. Deeks pretty much said everything I was thinking, so I'll spare all of us the rundown again. But everything that happened in the five months over there and the things we have both been through, that's on you Hetty." She could feel Deeks's hand in hers and shook her head.

"You didn't even have the decency to trust me with that information going over there. Did you ever stop the think that maybe a heads up could have stopped all of this? If I had known the real reason I was over there, and why, it would have made a world of difference. Knowing he was married, that he had a child… while it would have still hurt, I wouldn't have snuck off the middle of the night so I could get captured to get the information. Trust, Hetty. That's all that was needed. We trust you, every day. But you don't reciprocate that." Kensi looked over at Deeks, the anger still evident on his face.

"Trust is a funny thing. Takes a long to earn it and a second to destroy it." She turned away from Hetty, now fully facing Deeks. He looked at her, both of them silently communicating to the other. They both turned away from Hetty together and saw Sam and Callen standing there. Kensi glanced up, seeing Nell and Eric leaning against the railing with their mouths open, but nobody looked surprised at what happened.

"I'm assuming you knew?" Kensi aimed the question at Callen and Sam, and they both nodded at her. Deeks just shook his head a little and started walking towards their desks, pulling Kensi with him.

Once their stuff was together he turned to the others. "We have some things to talk about. Guess we will see you tomorrow." He grabbed Kensi's hand again and walked out of the mission, this time in hopes of leaving the ghosts and guilt behind them.

The drive home was silent. Their hands stayed together, but no words were needed. They both had a lot to process and were comfortable just being with each other. When they pulled up to Deeks's apartment, Kensi unlocked the door and walked in.

"I'm going to walk Monty okay? Wanna call something in for dinner?" Deeks put his keys, badge, and gun on the table and looked at her.

"No, I think I'll make us something tonight." He smiled at her and watched as she grabbed the leash and the homey feel of it all made Deeks react without thought. He walked up to her and framed her face with his hands. He watched the shock light up her eyes as she looked at him. He waited a second, making sure he didn't see anything to tell him she didn't want this too and when the shock turned to anticipation, he leaned forward slowly, pressing his lips lightly to hers.

It was soft and gentle and Kensi sighed, putting her hands on his arms. She felt him pull back and cleared her throat. He didn't move his hands, instead they had found their way into her hair and she smiled.

"So… dinner?" She wasn't sure what to say but she heard Deeks laugh and looked at him. He kissed her nose quickly before stepping back.

"Go walk Monty. I'll get started here." Kensi nodded at him and he watched the two walk out the door.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Kensi let out a breath and put her fingers up to her lips, still able to taste him there. The kiss hadn't been passionate, but it had been perfect. It seemed they had both feet on the bridge now.

Fifteen minutes later, Kensi and Monty walked back inside and was assaulted with smells. She unhooked Monty and walked to kitchen, seeing Deeks place something in the oven.

"Hey Martha Stewart. What smells so good?" She leaned against the counter and watched him as he set the timer on the oven and start making some kind of sauce. There was another pot of noodles cooking next to him, so she walked over and grabbed the fork, stirring the noodles.

Five months ago, the unanswered question and the silence would have made her put her walls back up, but now she knew that he was thinking about something and let him have his time. Lord knows he'd given her plenty of that lately. She saw the bread on the counter and since she now knew they were making spaghetti, she started buttering it to make garlic bread.

"When uh, when I was a kid, my mom used to make this on special occasions. Usually for my birthday or the rare occasion my dad wasn't going to come home that night. He hated spaghetti but he would allow her to make it once a year for me. But she would usually pay for it later that night and have a new bruise the next day to show for it. But she didn't let it stop her. Every year, I told her she didn't have to make it but she would scoff at me and say of course she did."

Deeks kept stirring the sauce and Kensi kept watch over the noodles as she waited for him to continue.

"After I shot him, she came to see me at the police station. She had tears in her eyes as she told me that she couldn't leave him. As she turned and walked out, I knew that I probably wouldn't see her again. And as much as that hurt, I also knew that I couldn't go back to that house anymore."

A few more minutes went by. Kensi wanted to ask him questions, but knew that he needed to do this on his own time, in his own way. The fact that he was opening up to her, telling her something extremely private about himself meant the world to her, and she wasn't going to mess it up.

"After I was shot a few years ago, and Hetty told me that my dad was dead, I called in a few favors and found my mom. It took a while, but I finally built up the courage to go see her. As soon as she opened the door, it was like she had seen a ghost. She let me in, and things seemed to have been going okay. I uh – I asked her if I could come see her again. She got this really sad look on her face and said that I reminded her too much of my dad. I took that as a no."

The timer buzzed and Kensi took the meatballs out of the oven. She adjusted the temperature and waited for it to cool off before putting the bread in to toast it. When the bread was done, they both set the table and sat down.

"I still check in once in a while, make sure she's doing okay. But always from afar. She may not care what's going on in my life, but she's my mom. I have to know that she's okay."

They both sat there, looking at each other. Kensi saw the hurt etched on his face, and her heart went out to him.

"You are the best man I know Deeks. You've survived the odds and came out on top. I am proud to call you my partner, my friend, and whatever else we are. You have a heart the size of Texas, going above and beyond for people you don't even know, a soft spot for mangy mutts, and you can surf with the best of them. Your mom, she may not be able to have you in her life, and for that I am so sorry. But she has no idea what she's missing, because you are… amazing. You're amazing Deeks."

He sat there and stared, wondering how this beautiful woman could know about his past and not shy away from him. He put his hand out and watched as she immediately put hers with it. He ran his thumb over the soft skin and watched as a faint blush crept up on her cheeks.

"Thank you." His voice broke a little and he cleared his throat. "Now, let's eat before it gets cold." They smiled at each other before digging in.

An hour later, the left overs were put away, kitchen cleaned up and they sat on the couch watching a movie. Monty was laying at their feet, and Kensi was playing with the hand that was holding hers.

"My dad and I used to have movie marathons. Whenever he came home, he wanted nothing more than to sit on the couch with me and catch up on the things he had missed. We would talk during the previews and credits, and whenever I started getting tired, I would lay down next to him with my head on a pillow and he would play with my hair. I would be asleep within five minutes."

Deeks squeezed her hand a little and smiled. He had opened up to her earlier, and now she was doing the same. When the next movie came on, Kensi yawned. Deeks immediately shifted a little and guided her head to his lap. He started threading his fingers through her hair and she sighed. He glanced down and saw her eyes close, a smile playing on her lips.

Just as predicted, she was asleep five minutes later, the cute little snort snores she was making warming his heart. He continued to play with hair, relishing the calming affect it had on him. When the movie was over, he gently shook her awake.

"Hey Princess. Let's go to bed." She looked at him with sleep filled eyes and nodded, sitting up. He grabbed her and led her to his room before heading into the bathroom to change. When he came out, she was already under the covers, watching him. He slid in next to her and she turned her back towards him. He was hoping this was a sign and carefully pulled her to him, letting his hand lay across her stomach. She intertwined their fingers and sighed again. She felt him put a kiss on her shoulder before laying his head down, and for the first time since she had been home, they both slept soundly, the nightmares staying away completely.

* * *

_AN - Only one more chapter to go. Hope you liked this one. Leave a review on your way out._


	5. Chapter 5

_Well, this is the last chapter. We can't thank you all enough for the reviews, favorites and follows. _

_bookdiva - you, my friend, are one of a kind and never will I be able to say how thankful I am for all you do - not just for reading over the chapters but everything. _

_justareader07 - thank you for having faith that I could take your idea and turn it into this. Writing this story with you was so much fun! Without your ideas and help, this definitely wouldn't have been the same. It's pretty amazing when something as simple as a story ends up with you making a new friend._

_Please read the AN at the bottom. _

* * *

It had been over a year since Hetty had come clean about Afghanistan. The team dynamics hadn't changed much, they all still laughed and joked around. But all of them had noticed how Kensi and Deeks had pulled back personally. The two shared more private jokes, not really bothering to expand on it, and while everyone still went out after cases for beers, you could tell that the two partners main interest and focus was each other.

Sitting in the bullpen working on paperwork while Deeks was at a meeting with Bates , Kensi couldn't help but look around. Sam and Callen were taking a break from the endless paperwork by shooting some hoops, Hetty was in her normal spot looking over files while drinking tea, and Kensi could only assume Nell and Eric were in Ops, doing what they did best.

With a sigh Kensi leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes bringing back a rush of memories of the past year.

_Flashback: 8 months ago_

Callen was looking for a pen on Kensi's desk when he came across a check stub. While it was normal to see random things hidden beneath papers on her side of the desk, what caught his attention was the address.

"Hey Sam. Did you know about this?" Callen held up the envelope, letting his partner take a look at the address. Sam took it out of his hand, scanned it and put it back on her desk.

"Nope. But does it really surprise you? They have been almost inseparable since they came back." Sam walked back around to his desk and sat down as Callen did the same.

"Yeah, I know that. Just wondering why they never said anything." Callen still had a confused look on his face as he stared at the envelope when Kensi and Deeks walked in, arguing about which coffee shop was better. Kensi put a box of doughnuts on the table and narrowed her eyes at Callen playfully.

"You lookin' at my check stub there Callen? Worried I make more money than you?" She smiled at him but was now curious why it was out. No one else may understand the clutter on her desk, but she did, and have mercy on those who disturbed her clutter.

Deeks let his bag fall to the ground before sitting down, his hands linking together behind his head as he watched the two. Kensi had officially moved in last month and they had finally gotten all the paperwork switched around. They both knew it was only a matter of time before the rest of the team found out, but they had wanted to keep it quiet for as long as possible.

"Ha. No, I'm not worried about how much money you make. I was looking for a pen and came across this. Just wondering when the change of address occurred." He watched her as she sat down and opened up her computer. Once she had logged in, she turned her head to him.

"Officially? About a month ago. But I haven't stayed at my apartment since I got home." She didn't offer anything else.

"You know, we would have helped with the move if we had known." Sam spoke up that time and Kensi looked over at him, shrugging her shoulders.

"Eh, it didn't really take as long as we had thought. But thanks." She looked over at Deeks and smiled at him.

"What about your hoarding tendencies? I would have thought it would take at least a week to go through your stuff." Sam was trying to play it off, but he couldn't help but feel a little hurt that neither one of them had said something. He wondered briefly if Callen hadn't found the check stub by accident, would they have ever told them?

"Oh, don't worry. I gave her five boxes and told her she could take whatever would fit in them. Everything else would be thrown away." The two had kept eye contact, and Deeks smirked at her. She responded by throwing a paper clip at him.

"Well, congratulations guys. Moving in together is a big step." Sam leaned over and clasped his hand to Deeks's shoulder before standing up and walking over to Kensi, pulling her up and into a hug. While the two may have pulled back from the rest of the team personally, Sam - and he knew Callen as well - still thought of them as family.

Callen did the same as Sam, bringing Kensi into a quick hug before turning to Deeks and shaking his hand.

Hetty had walked up just then, a sad smile on her face.

"I was a little surprised when I received the notification from personnel, but I'm glad to see that things are working out for the two of you." Kensi and Deeks both gave her a small smile and watched as she walked away, the weight of her actions still weighing her down.

Later, Sam and Callen had talked about the changes during a basketball game. They concluded that the other partners pull back started the day they had talked to Hetty - the day they both found out that the entire team had known about Hetty's real reasons for sending Kensi to Afghanistan, yet no one had said anything to them. And looking back, they didn't have anyone to blame but themselves. It was just something they had to live with.

_Present_

Deeks walked up behind Kensi, seeing her sitting in her chair with her eyes closed. He couldn't help but stop and stare for a minute. He leaned against the post as he watched her. A smile slowly grew on her lips, mirrored by his own.

"I know you're standing there Deeks." He pushed off the wall and walked to her, leaning down and placing a quick kiss on her lips. When he pulled back, her eyes finally opened.

"I thought I was pretty quiet. How'd you know I was there?" He tilted his head to the side a little as she sat up, her eyes staying on him.

"I knew the minute you walked in the room. I just... _know_. A combination of an ocean smell, your cologne and the uncanny ability to just know." He nodded at her, accepting her explanation because even though it would sound strange to anyone else, he also just _knew_ when she was anywhere near him.

"So, you ready to go? I told your mom I'd drop you off kinda early tonight. She had some pre-wedding, woman stuff she wanted to do with you." Kensi nodded her head and took his hand, walking side by side out of the mission for the last time as Kensi Blye and Marty Deeks. Tomorrow, she would officially be Kensi Marie Deeks, the wife and partner of Martin A. Deeks.

She climbed into the passenger side, letting Deeks take the wheel. He grabbed her hand, and the simple gesture was now their "_thing_." It was what kept them both grounded, the feel of the other's skin a reminder of things past and the promise of the future. No matter what else happened in the world, the linking of their fingers signified that they were together. Come hell or high water, as long as they were together, they would make it through.

"Whatcha thinkin' about over there Princess?" He could see the wheels turning, her mind drifting off somewhere.

"Remember when the team found out about the engagement?"

_Flashback: 2 months ago_

They had all arrived back at the mission after a case. If had been rough for everyone, and they were all glad it was over. Kensi had leaned down to pick up something when Callen's eyes grew wide. He cleared his throat, bringing her attention to him. She saw where his eyes were and she put her hand up to her chest.

"Uh… wow, Kens, is that what I think it is?" Sam and Deeks had followed them in and were now standing there, watching the two. Sam followed his partners eye line, and by the way Kensi was clutching something in her hand, he had a good idea what it was.

Kensi immediately looked over to Deeks, who just smiled and shrugged his shoulders at her.

"Yeah, I think it is." Deeks walked up behind her and moved her hair back so he could unclasp the necklace. Kensi pulled the ring off, looking at it for a minute before sliding it on her finger.

All of a sudden, a loud squeal sounded over the mission as Nell locked eyes with Kensi and raced down the stairs. Kensi barely had time to open her arms before Nell was hugging her friend tightly, arms wrapped around her waist.

"Kensi! Oh my God!" Nell pulled back before grabbing Kensi's left hand, bring it up to inspect the ring.

"It's beautiful! Deeks, you have good taste." Deeks just smirked at Kensi as Sam came over, standing next to her. He held her gaze for a moment, his eyes telling Kensi he was sorry for everything that had happened, and if he could go back and fix it he would. She pulled him to her, hugging him tightly before pulling away.

"So, let's see the rock that Deeks picked out." He took her hand and examined the beautiful diamond on her finger. It was an antique, the lines and scrolls going around the band a little worn in most places, but still just as beautiful as the day it had been purchased.

Callen had walked up next to Sam, examining the ring and they both looked up at Deeks at the same time, questions in their eyes.

"It was Kensi's grandmother's ring." He remembered when he had asked Julia for Kensi's hand, she hadn't said anything just stood up and walked to her room. When she came back, she had tears in her eyes as she told him that Donald's parents had been married for 62 years. After they had passed away, he held onto his mother's ring, which had been passed down for several generations. When she handed it to him, she had told him that Donald had asked her to hold onto it, in case he wasn't there to present it to the worthy man himself.

"Well, it's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, Deeks." Nell had tears in her eyes as she hugged him.

"I'm just lucky she said yes." He locked eyes with Kensi, winking at her as Eric came up and gave Kensi a quick hug.

"Speaking of, how long have you two been engaged now?" Callen looked between the two as he waited for the answer, which didn't take more than a second.

"Three months, 2 weeks and 5 days." Kensi's voice rang out, the length of time astonishing them all. They all knew the two were more private now, but they hadn't expected them to keep something so big a secret for so long.

"What the hell? Why didn't you say anything?" Sam was shocked and hurt and for once he wasn't able to keep it out of his voice.

"Well, we just…" Kensi looked over at Deeks, needing help. He caught the look and picked up where she had left off.

"We haven't set a date or anything. I knew I wanted to ask her, and we were just kind of enjoying the feeling of being engaged for a while before we said anything." Kensi smiled at him, thanking him for taking over. He gave her a small nod, letting her know he would always have her back, no matter what.

Eric was the first to recover and wanted to ease the weird tension in the room.

"Well, I think we should go out for drinks tonight and celebrate." He looked around the room, seeing the nods of the heads.

"Yeah, I think that would be a great idea. It's time someone else bought the booze instead of me." Deeks laughed as he said it and the others joined in too as they grabbed their stuff and headed out.

_Present_

"It was kind of a shocker to them, wasn't it?" Deeks glanced over at her, seeing something resembling hesitance on her face. "Talk to me sweetheart."

Kensi looked over at him and tried to give him a smile.

"It's just… you know I love you, right? More than anything. You've saved me more times than I can count, literally and figuratively. I trust you, more than I trust anyone else. You are my entire world, Deeks, and sometimes that scares me." She looked back out the window as Deeks pulled up to his future mother-in-laws house. He put the car in park and turned his body towards her, squeezing her hand.

"Kensi, look at me." She turned her head slowly, and he leaned forward, pressing his lips to hers.

"You are my everything, Kens. I know that everything that happened… it was really shitty. I don't really have another way to say it. But we managed to take something that would destroy anyone else and we came out of it together - stronger. Because saving you, Kens… there was never any other option. And just as I saved you, you save me, every day. You are the only one for me, and I thank God or whatever higher power there is every day for you." He stared into her mismatched eyes and saw the tears brimming there. This was a side of Bad Ass Blye that only he had the privilege of seeing, and he would protect this woman and her soft side and secrets forever.

"You are the only constant thing in my life Deeks. The only person I trust not to lie to me, no matter how much the truth may hurt. I know that the team is our family, we put our lives in each other's hands every day, but it's… different with you."

"Well, I should hope so." He smiled at her, and she shoved his arm but couldn't keep the smile away.

"Shut up. You know what I mean. I uh, well I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Before we make this "thing" official tomorrow, thank you for everything Deeks. You are the _only_ person who has never let me down, and I will do everything in my power every day to make sure I don't let you down, either." She brought her free hand up to his face and he leaned into it.

"You could never let me down Princess. Unless you don't show up tomorrow, and then I swear to God I will hunt you down and drag you back caveman style, and we both know how much that would hurt your reputation." He kissed her before she could hit him again, both of them laughing against their lips.

When they pulled back and went to get out of the car, they both looked up to see Julia standing against the open doorway smiling.

"Wow, well, that just happened. I suddenly feel 16 again and got caught making out with my girlfriend after curfew." Kensi laughed at him, linking their hands together as he walked her to the door.

"I can only imagine how many parents you pissed off." He nudged her and smiled.

"Only one parent I am worried about now. The most important one." He looked at Julia who had a small smile on her face as she watched the two.

"Good evening Mrs. Feldman." Deeks blushed a little. He may be a grown man on the eve of his wedding, but that didn't stop the embarrassment of being caught kissing like teenagers.

"Marty, I am not telling you again. My name is Julia." She smiled at him, her voice soft but firm. He flashed his signature grin at her, nodding his head.

"Yes ma'am, Julia. I have come to deliver the bride-to-be safe and sound." He turned to Kensi, locking eyes with her. They stood like that for a minute before Julia cleared her throat.

"Thank you, Marty. I'll just give you two some privacy. Kensi dear, dinner will be ready in about ten minutes." Kensi smiled and nodded at her mom as she watched her walk inside.

Kensi turned back to Deeks, his smile lighting up his face and his blue eyes sparkling.

"We're really doing this." She whispered the words, and Deeks pulled her into his arms.

"Yeah, we're really doing this." Her arms went around him and his hands rubbed up and down her back, his cheek laying on her head. They both stood there like that for a few minutes, enjoying simply being in each other's arms.

"Do you think you can sneak over tonight, climb in my bedroom window?" Kensi had her head on his chest and he chuckled.

"Kens, this isn't the first night we've spent away from each other. Granted, the amount of times we've been apart is a handful, but still. At least this time it's for a good cause, right?"

"I hate it when you're right." He laughed again and she pulled back, smiling.

"I know you do. Don't worry, it won't happen often." They were slowly backing away from each other, hating that they had to be apart but knowing it would be worth it.

"I love you." Kensi looked at him, letting him see into her soul.

"I love you, too." Deeks watched as she made her way to door and opened it before walking inside and looking at him.

"So, tomorrow." She couldn't make herself close the damn door.

"Yup. 10:00am sharp. Don't forget to gussy yourself up." He saw the spark in her eyes and laughed.

"Don't ever say that again, Deeks. Seriously, sometimes you make me question your sanity.

Okay, okay, I'm closing the door now. I love you. I'll see you in the morning." She smiled at him and went to close the door before his hand stopped her.

"Forever." He put his lips to hers, letting all the emotion he felt pour into it. He pulled back and she smiled, closing the door.

They both stood there, looking at the door separating them. And as one, they both leaned forward, placing their foreheads on the door. And even though the other couldn't hear it, they both let out an 'I love you' one more time before stepping back, each one counting the hours until they were together again.

Nell showed up to Julia's house a little while later, and the three women sat in the living room laughing, talking, and enjoying each other's company. It was low key and - other than being with Deeks - exactly how she wanted to spend her last night as a single woman.

By 11:00pm, the women all decided to call it a night. Kensi closed the door to her room and laid down, her mind only on one person. As she drifted off the to sleep, all she could think of was '_I Do_.'

The next morning, Kensi yawned and stretched out. She expected to feel her partner next to her and her eyes shot open before she remembered what today was. She felt her heart rate slow down again as the initial feeling of panic faded, and she smiled.

The ceremony wasn't going to be much, as the two of them had decided small and simple. They would stand in front of a Justice of the Peace, with Nell and Eric beside them. Julia, Callen, Sam, Hetty and even Nate and Rose would be in attendance. Even though Kensi and Deeks had kept more of their personal life to themselves, the team was still family, and they wouldn't want anybody else there to witness this.

Julia and Nell had woken up early, and Kensi found them both on the terrace enjoying fruit and coffee. She poured herself a cup, grabbed a banana, and headed outside.

"Good morning sweetheart. How'd you sleep?" Julia smiled at her daughter and watched as she lifted her coffee up to her in salute.

"Better than I expected. Thank you mom. For everything." Kensi turned towards Nell. "You too, Nell." Both women gave her a smile and nodded at her.

They chatted for a while before Nell looked at her watch and stood up.

"Okay almost-Mrs. Deeks. Let's get you dressed. We need to leave here in about an hour." As they all went inside, Nell looked at Julia.

"I'll clean up in here. You go help Kensi." Julia started to protest but Nell just put her hand up. The surprised look on Julia's face at the action made Kensi laugh and she hooked her arm through her mom's, leading her out of the kitchen.

"Don't take too long, Nell. I'm gonna need your help, too." Kensi gave Nell a pointed look as they walked out, and Nell smiled at her. "I'll be up in a minute."

Once in her room, Kensi opened the closet and took out the simple white sun dress, hanging it on the the back of the door. Her mom sat on the bed and watched as Kensi expertly applied her makeup. Kensi had just put on the dress when Nell knocked on the door and walked in.

"Wow Kensi. You look amazing. The most beautiful bride I've ever seen." The two smiled at each other, tears filling all the women's eyes as Julia agreed with the statement.

Kensi opted to leave her hair down, wavy, with just the top part pulled back a little. Nell helped her twirl the small parts that were being pulled back and Julia put two simple blue jeweled flower pins to hold her hair in place.

"I wore these when I married your father. It was my something blue, and now it's yours." Kensi locked eyes with her mom through the mirror and smiled.

"Thank you mom. They're beautiful." She reached up, touching the pins. Nell left the room for a minute, bringing a box back with her.

"Nell, what -"Kensi looked between the box and her friend.

"It's not much, but I knew you didn't really have jewelry for today. I thought this would be perfect, and it works as your 'something new.'" Tears filled Kensi's eyes as she opened the box, revealing a simple necklace held together at the end by a figure-eight infinity symbol.

"Oh Nell, this is perfect. But you didn't have to do this." Nell just shushed her and took the necklace, putting it around her neck, the infinity symbol resting at her collarbone.

"Now all you need is the something borrowed." Julia pulled out her diamond bracelet and attached it to Kensi's wrist.

Kensi stood up and looked in the full length mirror at the final effect, and what she saw took her breath away. Everything was minimal, from the dress to the accessories to her hair and makeup, but it couldn't have been more perfect.

"I think Deeks is going to be at a loss for words when he sees you." Nell's eyes glistened as she took in her friend.

"That would be a first." The ladies laughed, knowing all too well how true that was.

"Okay, are we ready to go?" Julia looked at the two younger women who nodded. They double checked they had everything and made their way out to Julia's car.

"Kensi, you sit in the backseat. I'll let the guys know we are headed that way." Kensi nodded as Nell shot off a text and they made the short trip to the courthouse. When Julia pulled up, Deeks was waiting there for her at the curb, standing there in a tailor made suit. Her breath hitched as he opened the door for her, holding his hand out to her.

She grabbed the offered hand and scooted out. His eyes were huge as he took her in and she could hear the muffled laughs behind her at Deeks's reaction.

His eyes finally met hers and they both smiled at each other.

"You are absolutely stunning, Kens. I am, without a doubt, the luckiest man alive." He laced their fingers together, wanting to be near her, but trying hard not to kiss her. They would have time enough after they were married for that.

Kensi looked around at the team - their family - and smiled.

"We can't thank you enough for being here today." Everyone smiled and Deeks looked at her before making eye contact with everyone, nodding his head.

"Nowhere else we'd rather be Kens." With those words from Callen, he walked up and hugged her, the rest of the team following behind. Once everyone had had a turn hugging the bride-to-be, Sam looked at them.

"So, ready to go get hitched?" Kensi and Deeks looked at each other, squeezing their hands simultaneously and smiled.

"Let's do this." They all started walking towards the courthouse, ready to make this union legal.

Thirty minutes later, with Nell and Eric standing on either side of the couple, the rest of the team and Julia sitting and watching, Kensi and Deeks were finally pronounced man and wife. The Judge started laughing as he tried to quiet the cheering audience when the now married couple kissed for the first time.

As they walked out of the room, their hands were intertwined, and they had smiles on their faces. Once outside, he turned and picked her up, twirling her around and making them both laugh. When he finally set her down, he kissed her again, both of them relishing in the fact that for better or for worse, they would face life together. The only thing staying the same in a constant world of change was each other and the knowledge that no matter what, they were together. And that's all they needed - each other.

* * *

AN -

_Justareader07 - Well this story has been an amazing journey. Originally it was only supposed to be a one-shot idea and who better to take the idea swimming in my head and bring it to life then Bamie02? I can't thank her enough for taking part in this, she really is amazing not only to work with but also as a person. Also thank you to the wonderful BookDiva who looked over the chapters. I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed and read this story because it feels damn good to see people enjoy the story and want more every time. _


End file.
